I feel stuck. Not sure why but I have the nagging feeling that I am not appreciating how wonderful life, my life, can be. I go to sleep at night and I have a vague anxiousness, like did I leave the iron on? (as if, I'd have to do laundry first) But instead, the creeping feeling is that I've wronged someone. I am fairly convinced that I'm not being a very good mom, daughter, sister, wife, friend, acquaintance.
Wait, there might be a problem with the order of that list as well, and maybe that will help me catch my bearings some.
- I will be a good mother. That means being sympathetic and loving towards my kid. Making sure she's fed, clothed and has a roof over her head. It also means being understanding when she's going through a hard time yet giving her a clear sense of boundaries and structure. It does NOT mean buying her the latest gifts, keeping her from having any tantrums or emotions, or feeding her the most exhausting organic food. It does mean, however, making sure that I take time to feel personally realized as a person so I can be refreshed and happy to be her mother.
- I will be a good wife. This means showing my husband grace and love. Not try to win every debate (must practice that old adage of "would you rather be right or kind"). Make him feel heard an appreciated. Show grace, love, and gratitude. Yeah, gratitude, not just with words but with actions (actions? why did I type that, what does that even mean?). I actively work on a lot of these things already, but I want to be more conscious of it. I don't want to wake up one day and realize that I could have done more.
- I will be a good daughter. This is a hard one for me to figure out. Because being a good daughter sometimes means setting up boundaries, but I don't know how to do that in a way that feels... "good". I do know that my parents are wonderful, and giving, and I want to give them the world. But I struggle with how to show them love, and appreciation, and still have space to devote to my family (husband and child) and myself. Either way I feel like I'm failing someone.
- I will be a good sister. This means supporting my brother in whatever life choices he wants to make, without judgement or commentary. Ok, fine, maybe a little bit of commentary. This also means that I get to make fun of his hair and movie tastes. But seriously, as a sister I am his equal, not an authority figure, and I need to remember that. Because, seriously? I have no idea what I'm doing either.
- I will be a good friend. I think this means that I'm not gonna have unrealistic expectations that people will act exactly like I want them to. I will set time to see people, but not neglect my family in the process. I will stop being paranoid every time a friend is busy or has plans with others. The world doesn't revolve around me, apparently. I want the all encompassing friendships of my early 20's, where we were each other's world and support systems. At the same time, I recognize that I cannot provide that for other people, because my first priority is my daughter, as it should be. So yay! Friendships for the adult world!
